A Fake Runner’s Experience

There are things that one does not know when one begins running to get healthy. OK…there’s stuff I didn’t know. And, I feel that one of the things that running has taught me is to share my experiences…if only in an effort to make you less likely to fail at running should you want to take it up. Or to scare you from starting in the first place.

  1. You will spend the vast amount of your run with a wedgie. It’s not something I’m excited about. I’m already concentrating on just keeping my feet moving and not falling on my face…now I have to remove underwear from my crack? Not OK. It’s like walking and chewing gum, but on crack (yep…that joke was just made). You could go, I guess, sans underwear, but then you’ll be dealing with other things that I don’t care to discuss like vagina chafing (yep…I just typed that).
  2. Shin splints are inevitable. I remember using “shin splints” as my excuse in high school soccer to get out of running long distances. “Oh, sorry, Coach, I’ve got shin splints. Guess I won’t be running today. Or ever.” Coach Torno, I now plead with you to give me an excuse to get out of life. Walking hurts.
  3. Interval training will kick your ass. Seriously, going from walking to running, then back again is harder than you might think. But, then again, just when you think your run is going to kill you, the little man on the app says, “Slow down and walk,” and there’s a moment where you think, “Holy crap! The universe DOES love me.” PS. I’m doing a 5K app that is helping me have purpose when running.
  4. A bad knee means a sexy knee brace. If you have bad knees, perhaps running is not the best idea…but then again, if you have bad knees, maybe you should never exercise. Ever. Also, automatically a bad knee makes you 412 years old.
  5. Kilometers are way more awesome than miles. Do you know how disappointing it was to discover that I was running 3.07 kilometers instead of 3.07 miles? (For reference, 3.07 kilometers is nearly 2 miles, but it ain’t 3.) In other news, I CAN RUN 3.07 KILOMETERS, SUCKAS! Well, I run/walk. Remember, I’m on interval training.
  6. Stretching is important, although not important enough that I remember to do it without a reminder from an app. That is all.
  7. Getting out of bed is the first step. Seriously, if you can get the sleep out of your eyes and put your feet on the floor, you have made the first step to actually opening the door to go running. Which leads me to the final thing you should know…
  8. Sleep in your running clothes. This gives me one less excuse to get out of bed and go running: “But I don’t think anything is clean.” “But where in the pile of laundry is my sports bra?” “Do I actually have clean shorts?” I’m already in them. Roll out of bed, put on your shoes, and go, Loser Slacker Excuse-Maker.

For reference, I still don’t feel like a runner. To be fair, I don’t know what a runner feels like (insert awkward, dirty joke here). I feel better after I run, but I still have trouble getting started. I have stuck with it for more time than I ever thought, but more to prove everybody that thought I wouldn’t wrong. I do have a 5K on the calendar, but it’s a friend’s 5K not a competitive 5K. Also, yes, I have a friend that asked to run a 5K for her 40th birthday, so we’re putting one on for her. I’m seriously questioning her love for her friends…and her sanity.

I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and try not fall on my face…in life, in running.


6 thoughts on “A Fake Runner’s Experience

  1. When I was working out with a trainer back in 2009, I used to sleep in my gym clothes. It really helped. So did the fact my trainer looked my Taye Diggs. He would not be proud of my current level of fitness. Maybe he needs to help waspy get her groove back.

    Impressed by your running, keep it up!

  2. Go, Molly! I know you didn’t ask, but I’ll offer my Laurel Support and give you some pearls of wisdom to help you through your transition to real runner. (Well, maybe they’re nuggets of wisdom.) And for the record, even if you’re stumbling and gasping for air while you run, you’re more real a runner than an armchair warrior watching sports on the boob tube! You’re not even a FAUX runner; you’re a NEW runner. Congrats!

    So, some friendly encouragement to ease your anxiety on a few points.
    1. There is no reason to run with a wedgie! Seriously! I ditched undergarments when I got tired of “Swamp Ass”– that soggy, nasty feeling you get when you try to peel your panties off after running. Look for technical (quick-dri) running shorts with a liner and don’t look back. (Target’s c9 line makes a nice, inexpensive one you can get on sale for $9 sometimes. And I like the more expensive Nike Pacer short- I found a pair on clearance at Academy for ten bucks, and they are my favorite! But they’re usually $30 a pair. For SHORTS.)

    2. Chaffing, ANYWHERE, can be relieved by Vasoline as one of your friends suggested. If you want to spend more money on a specialized product to feel like a serious runner, there’s a product called BODYGLIDE that you can slick on yourself just ‘bought anywhere and keep blisters and chaffing at bay. Did you know guys’ nipples sometimes BLEED from their shirts chaffing them?! Be glad you’re not a guy. Even Swamp Ass is better than BLEEDING NIPPLES!

    3. Shin splints SUCK! And they are usually because you’re running too many miles too soon (so don’t run EVERY DAY unless you want a stress fracture; 3-4 days a week is great!) or wearing the wrong shoes. Solution: Cross train (swim, bike, do yoga, practice your Jedi light saber moves, anything that takes the stress off pounding your feet.) And do yourself a favor: make sure your running shoes are right for your foot type. If you haven’t, get “fitted” at a running store and invest in good (which does not always = expensive) shoes that will help your shin splints. And if you’re just insistent to run with shin splints, get a ZENSAH shin sleeve for each leg that bothers you. Expensive, yeah. Totally worth it.

    4. You know you’re a real runner when you’ve started to acquire a collection of sexy knee/leg/ankle braces. I’ve got ankle braces (twisted when I ran through a patch of mud I didn’t see one early morn), shin sleeves (2 different kinds!), and knee braces. Welcome to the club, friend!
    5. Just in case you’re not doing it yet… ICE YOUR KNEES after you run! When I began running, about 4 weeks in, my knees were killing me. I read to ice them, so I bought these funky PEAS cold therapy packs (you can actually really use frozen peas) that wrap around my knees. After icing them after every run for 2-3 weeks… knee pain vanished! So now I only ice them after an extra long run and I don’t have to wear that uber sexy knee brace too often.

    Uh, that’s all I’ve got. Hope some of it helps. I’ll probably go litter your Facebook wall with links to some of the stuff I’ve mentioned now. Know that you’re awesome and I love reading what you write.

  3. Pingback: Exclamation Points and Pedicures | Alligators & Things

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